I bought a motorcycle here, in Arequipa, the day before yesterday.  It's a beautiful Yellow bike, with black highlights and a black, powder coated engine.  200cc, enduro syle, all terrain, dirt bike.  It's great.

 When I bought it, I was informed by the dealer that, technically, it's illegal to ride the bike before I have the title, license plate, and SOAT, which is some strange version of insurance.  It takes around 30 days, from the time of application to get the title, and you have to have the title before you can get the other two.  In the US, you get dealer plates, a receipt of purchase, which functions as a temporary title with the dealer title, and you can call in insurance for any vehicle, even if you don't own the vehicle that you want to insure.

Now you would think, in any civilized country, that there would be some sort of temporary provision to allow people to buy a vehicle, and drive it off the lot, similar to what the US has.  I guess, in Peru, an uncivilized country, there is no such provision.  Well if there is, the Policia officer that pulled me over today hadn't heard about it, since he informed me that if my motorcycle was indeed new, like I stated, that I should transfer it to my house via a truck, and that it was my mistake that I didn't do that.

 It was . . . indeed . . . my mistake.

 Over the two days that I've owned and been driving my motorcycle, I have been informed of many things.

I've been told by people who have never driven a motorcycle, that driving in Arequipa on a motorcycle is very dangerous.  I've promptly re-informed those informants, that movement by any vehicle in Arequipa is dangerous, including a person's own two legs.  Statistically, buses are the most dangerous method of travel, based on the number of accidents and fatalities.  That being said, not as many people travel by motorcycle as by bus, so naturally there will be less motorcycle accidents and fatalities.  However, there aren't any studies in Arequipa based on accidents or fatalities by percentage of vehicle users, so as of now, the point is moot.  I will say, that I've already been in one accident, while riding in a bus, and I've personally seen one car accident also.  In fact, Lucia's aunt has a lifelong disability from a car accident.  She wasn't driving, nor was she riding a motorcycle.  I've yet to see a motorcyclist in and accident here, yet.  Personally, I feel a lot safer driving anything myself, including a motorcycle, than trusting my life to some crazy combi(bus) driver here, which pretty much 95% of them are; crazy.

I've also been warned about the police stopping me without having the proper documents.  This from people who have no driving experience, who don't know how to drive, and who have never been pulled over by a police officer.  They said I should be very careful, because the policia here can be, and usually are, very corrupt, and sometimes, cruel and unjust.  I asked for a more detailed explanation.  That explanation amounted to the concept of the policia actually enforcing the law, most of the time; maybe like . . . 53% of the time or so.  That sounded like good news to me; too bad it wasn't a higher percentage.  Then they continued.  If the police stopped me, and I didn't have the required papers, they could impound my motorcycle for any length of time they wanted, based on their mood and how much they disliked me.  Sometimes, during this impound time, people's vehicles are stripped of all non essential parts, and possibly a few essential parts also.  They also said, that because I was a foreigner, the Policia would probably charge me a lot more, essentially holding my bike for ransom.  That scared me a little bit.  I mean, my motorcycle is just a baby, you know?

I was also told by other, actual motorcyclists that I should stay off the main roads, until my papers come though, but that it's not such a big deal if I get caught, either.  They said to just lie as much as I could, saying I just bought the motorcycle today and I'm just driving it directly home.  If that doesn't work, just pay the Policia a bribe of s./5.  If a certain policia is really hard, give him s./10, but never more than 10.  10 soles is about $3.

Today, I was informed by the policia that if I couldn't pay the fine right away, then a s./60 "storage" fee would apply for each day I couldn't pay the fine.  My personal fine amounted to s./360, which is about $120.  In the US, assuming the officer didn't give you a warning, this is about half of what the fine would be for driving without insurance, and with no license plate or registration.  In the US, the fine would amount to about $2500 which is 150% of US monthly minimum wage.  Based on local currency value in Peru, the fine amounts to 72% of Peruvian monthly minimum wage.  Most people in Peru make less than half the minimum wage.

Earlier today, Lucia and I decided to risk running the motorcycle again today, to run a few errands.  To copy some keys, buy some stickers for the motorcycle, and to buy some clear lens goggles, for driving at night.  We were taking all the back roads where there aren't any policia.  Unfortunately today, the store we were going to required us to go for a short time on a main road, because the store is located on that main road.

We pulled up to one of the usual traffic light roundabouts that Arequipa has.  It was a red light, so I stopped and waited for it to turn green.  The destination was directly on the other side of the street, and sensing my thought process, Lucia informed me, that by law, I am required to drive counterclockwise all the way around the roundabout to end up back where I started, except pointed in the other direction and on the other side of the street.  I told her that I know the traffic laws and not to tell me how to drive, and when the light turned green, I proceeded to break that particular law by going the shorter, and safer way, doing the U turn, and avoiding the roundabout, almost entirely.

Within about 4 seconds, a policia on a motorcycle was pointing at us with his finger, with his lights on, and blowing a whistle.  Yes . . . a whistle . . . like a lifeguard whistle.  Those damn lifeguard whistles have scared the crap out of me since I was a kid.  I would have preferred a siren, or maybe a blow horn . . .

Apparently, this policia was behind us before I made the U turn, and now we were directly facing each other on the opposite side of the street.  I pulled to the right, and parked at our destination with the motorcycle pointed toward the curb.  The Policia drove his motorcycle over the small median and pulled up to our side in a perpendicular fashion, faster than I had expected.

 He said, "Buenas tardes," meaning good afternoon, in Spanish.  I responded with the same.  He immediately asked Lucia if she spoke Spanish, and when she responded in Spanish, he began talking.

When he was finished, she translated to me that he was going to escort us to the police station, where I would have to pay a fine.

I've read about what would happen if I got pulled over on the AAA website, since I hold an international drivers license.  What he was requesting was proper, legal procedure for violations.  When I asked him how much the fine was, and Lucia translated, I learned how much the "legitimate" fine was, s./360 ($120).  I was terrified.

After the translation, Lucia stopped talking and looked at me, waiting for my response.  Um. . .

"Tell him we are just driving the bike home right after we bought it, just now."  A lie, since I bought it the day before yesterday.

She translated.

She translated back to me, and this is when he informed me that the proper way to get a motorcycle to your house when you buy it . . . is on a truck.  Hmm. . .

"But the dealer didn't tell us that we couldn't drive it home."  Technically, true, since the dealer said we could drive it home; just don't get caught by the policia.

Lucia translated to the policia, and then translated back to me.  His response was that it was an unfortunate for me, that the dealer didn't inform me of the local laws. Yep . . . if that were true, it would have been unfortunate.

"Tell him that I'm a tourist, here on a tourist visa, and that I request the Tourist Police."  Ha!

She translated his response, which was, that I wasn't in the downtown tourist district, therefore I'm subject to the local district police station, which is only a few blocks away.

Crap.

Ok, ok,  I've never bribed a cop before, because, in The States, the culture and the cops are about 99% honest, and so are about 90% of the laws.  There aren't too many unreasonable laws in the US . . . well I guess there are, but not as many as here.  Anyway, so there aren't too many crooked cops in the US, but hey, this is South America.  When in Rome, do as the Romans.

"Ok, ask him if there is way to solve this right now, without going to the policia station."

Lucia talked to him, then looked back at me.  She didn't translate anything to me.  She just looked.  She had slightly exasperated look on her face.  Usually, that look means that she doesn't want to translate for me anymore, because she doesn't like being pushy to other people in any way.

Fuck, I lost my hot, sweet translator.

Ok, I was thinking fast.  I can outrun this dude on his 223cc street Honda with my 200cc off-road bike.  Yeah, he's got a radio, but he's a shitty moto driver, for sure, and he'll drop on any off-road, sandy surface with his slick tires.

I see the "Squadron Misti Policia" drive, everyday, and they suck.  Arequipa bought 20 Hondas, of the same model, for the policia to patrol around on, only about four or five months ago.  Yeah, well, the city forgot to budget any gas money for them.  Apparently, they thought motorcycles were so fuel efficient that they didn't need any gas.  The bikes sat for almost three months in storage, unused, before they could budget gas money for the policia to actually use them.  These guys have only been on these bikes for a month, and they haven't learned much.

So it's easy.  I wait for him to "escort" me to the policia station.  When he does the left U turn at the next corner, I turn right, and punch it though the side streets, through the gated pedestrian gates, or though the little pedestrian bridge I know, where I'm sure to lose him, or he's sure to jam or drop.

I asked Lucia if she would take a bus home.  I didn't want her flailing and screaming while I'm trying to concentrate on serious driving.  She said no.  Ok . . . well then . . . she's in for the ride of her life . . . and with her on the back, so am I . . .

Ok, I'm ready.  "Tell him . . ."

The policia said something, and Lucia turned to me and said, "How long have you been here now, since December?"

"Uh, no, no, oh yeah, yeah, uhhhh, since December.  Yeah, yeah, that's right."  My train of thought was broken.  I had only thought about the question for a moment, and I incorrectly, but sincerely, concluded that I had only been here since December.  It was a lie, but I didn't even know it at the time, because I was so nervous.  It was a classic example of leading the witness.  I actually believed, in the moment, that I had only been here since December, when in fact, I'd been here since September.  Lucia lead me along, and I unknowingly followed.  I said, in Spanish, to the policia, "December, yes, and I'm here two more months."  He smiled, Lucia looked at me.  What else do I say?  Is Lucia going to say something else?  Have we made progress?

Well, if I'm going to run anyway, I might as well insult him, big time, with an extremely direct bribe, or piss the hell out of Lucia by forcing her to be more direct in the bribe offer, or both. 

I hoped Lucia had translated my previous bribe offer in a respectful, but clear way, but her translations usually resemble very little of anything that I'm trying to communicate, thinking, or would say.  I asked her again in a little different way, "Ask him if we can drive a little ways down the block, so no one sees the transaction, and maybe pay him something.  Ask him how much, or tell him I'll give him s./50(about $16)."

She minutely cringed, for a fraction of a second, unnoticeably to anyone else, then glowed bright and started talking to the policia.

This is where Lucia stopped translating for me, but she was talking, which was good.  I don't know exactly what she said, and I don't know exactly what he said, but I did get to see her demeanor and his facial expressions.  She was sweet, as she almost always is, and she was almost certainly, not pushy, although I'll never know for sure.

His response, was to lavishly enjoy a long, drawn out, stern, pondering, silence, looking straight ahead, and not looking at us.  Lavish, but without any smiling, and without the slightest grin.  Based on my knowledge, this was a good sign, but wisely, I didn't let that knowledge allow myself any serenity.

Knowing what was going on, I said, "Por favor," in the most diminutive tone that I could muster.  20 seconds later, I said it again.  Still silence.  He must have stayed frozen and stern, for about 40 seconds.

Lucia held her cute and passive demeanor throughout the silence, and shortly after the policia responded, she looked cheerful, but not too cheerful.  I took this as a good sign.  I also heard Lucia explain the district where she lives, vaguely.

 He talked a lot, lucia responded, and I got a translation of his direct orders, which she extensively truncated.  He was to "escort" us to the cemetery, which is on the way to Lucia's house, at which point Lucia said she thought we would have to pay him something.  I said how much, s./50 or no more than s./10?  She wasn't sure, and she didn't translate anything else to me.  She just wanted me to drive and follow him.  Since there was no danger, I obeyed.  As we started to follow him, I passed Lucia a s./5 coin, plus some more coins between 4 and 6 soles, as I drove.  She said, specifically, "not a s./20 bill."

We followed him to the cemetery, at which point he waved me to his side.  While driving parallel, he and Lucia started talking, and we continued driving toward Lucia's house in tandem.  At one point, he laughed.  I laughed too, since I'd never bribed a cop, and I did find the situation humorous, at this point.

Lucia told me later that she tried to hand the bribe to the officer while we were driving parallel, which is why he laughed.  After he laughed, when we were driving side by side, he was giving her instructions on how to pass the money to him, without being obvious.  I laughed again later when she told me this.

When we got to her house, we stopped, parallel again, and she passed the s./10($3) though a classic handshake style bribe.  He pocketed the money; we shook hands, and he drove away.

Policia in Peru make an average monthly salary of s./700 per month, about $225; just a little above the minimum wage.  I don't blame this cop one bit for allowing me to bribe him.  Without arguing the issue of there being no grace period for someone to drive a new vehicle, I broke three traffic related laws today.  The fines in the US for driving without a license plate, in an unregistered vehicle, with no insurance is a around $2500, depending on the state.  In my view, based on the ratio of income to the fine amount, my fines in Peru should be around s./31.25, or about $10.  What I paid today, is about 1/10th of that.  A pretty good deal, so I feel pretty good.

I also feel pretty good, that, although my woman won't be pushy for me, on demand, all the time, not only is she capable of doing what it takes when it really matters, but that she will do what it takes when it really matters, even if she doesn't like doing it, and even if I've made big mistakes that she warned me about, and doesn't approve of.  Thanks Dulcita!

Right now, my motorcycle is locked behind two doors, and covered.  It will stay there until my papers come though sometime in the next month.

And next time I come to a roundabout in Arequipa, I think I'll take the more dangerous, but cheaper, faster, and less stressful way, clockwise, all the way around, to come back to where I started, but facing the other way, and on the opposite of the street.